I Say No

I am the mother of two lovely people. One just deleted my entire blog entry with the click of a random button on my laptop. The other recently went to school not only late but mad at me. The reason: I wouldn't let her wear flip flops to school. Weather permitted but mommy didn't. In my defense - not that I need to justify - the last time she wore flip flops she scraped her feet up on the gravel playground and was traumatized like only a little girl can be. 

For me, parenting gets harder each passing year. Don't get me wrong, I remember newborn babies, and the work they require if you're doing it right. That's a level of tired you only understand if you've not slept for more than a three hour stretch for months upon months and during those waking moments you, fed, held, carried, rocked, burped, swaddled, bathed, comforted, dressed, and attended to the every need of a new human who has no means to communicate. Capital "H" Hard. Potty training: HARD!

Somewhere after potty training is what I think of as the communication phase. The Yes/No era is first a time when life becomes very black and white in its nos and yeses. The rules are pretty clear. No you cannot lick the electrical outlet, yes you can have more milk. No you cannot eat that candy you found in the abyss of the toxic car cart at Safeway and yes you can try sliding down the slide on your own.
Somewhere after this is what I fondly refer to as the Negotiation era and it's here life gets...interesting. Pick your battles wisely my friends. It goes something like this, if you clean your room, I'll let you watch Clifford. If you're good in the store, I will let you pick something from the dollar bin. If you take this medicine you can fill in the blank, etc. etc. We as parents become master manipulators. At least I did.

Then comes the ugly realization, the little people, well, they can negotiate too. Scary shiz. Even scarier is when you realize they can manipulate you as well. At this point part of you wants to say, "Well-played offspring. Well-played. I taught you well little grasshopper." Then you realize, dun dun duuuuuh, you've been played. 

My daughter is a kind, tenderhearted, and caring individual. So sensitive, at times I worry the world will poison her little girl spirit with a skull and crossbones tattoo. Her teacher told me recently at a conference she's never seen a child embody such empathy and compassion for others, that her kindness is at times very subtle but always present in a knowing smile to a friend who didn't get the answer right and was embarrassed or her willingness to partner up with any kid in the class. Her teacher said she's wanted to tell my daughter how proud she is of this trait but is afraid calling it out will change it so she doesn't. It warmed my heart I tell you. Warmed my heart.

Recently though I've noticed changes in her wants. It's not just toys and movies. It's interest in things that I never imagined discussing with a third grader. Some girls are wearing make-up and high heels to school. Some tease others for still loving Barbie dolls and Princesses. Kids all seem to watch anything and everything on TV and often carry cell phones. To all of this I say, No, thank you.

My most current list of nos:
No, you can't wear short, Christina Aguilera booty shorts. Yes, you can wear super-cool Bermuda-length shorts. No, you can't wear that dress unless you have bike shorts underneath it. Why? If not, when you spin on the bars you'll show the world your underwear.  No, you can't wear that skirt anymore, it's too short and too short of skirts and shorts are inappropriate at any age.  No, you can't watch that show. Why? It's too grown up for an eight year old. Too much kissing. No, you can't wear high heels, save them for when you're older, like high school and have some girly stuff to look forward to. No, you can't have a cell phone until you're at least 12. No, you can't wear a bikini. Yes, you can have this super cool one-piece and board shorts. No you can't stay up late, because it's a school night and you need sleep so you're rested for learning.

I could go on and on and here's the deal. I know I sound strict. I probably am strict... or am I?  Instead of strict it could be, I am a protector of childhood.  That illusive thing we should all look back on with reverence.  I'm parenting in my late 30's not early or even late 20's. According to the standards of my mother's rules and childhood, this is not strict, just common sense. I simply want a childhood for my children.

These days childhood is becoming something we parents have to fight for. Retailers sell the same clothing to girls ages 5-14. I repeat ages 5-14. I know this because for three years I folded said clothing while working for the big box bullseye. Tank tops have built in bras for girls ages 5-14. I've folded pleather, and see-through lace leggings in a size 4/5. Appalling. Even the college-aged kids I worked with referred to them as, wait for it, "pedophile bait." TV shows on Disney, often showcase girls with boyfriend problems, bratty attitudes and often racial stereotypes. These shows are marketed not to tweens but elementary students who are getting the ultimate mixed messages. Commercials aired during these shows tout Pillow Pets with nightlights before returning to cute 17 year olds with trendy outfits, cool bedrooms and two-timing boyfriends.

I say no to so many of these things because I want to say yes to them when they're appropriate. I want to give my daughter things to look forward to. Like high heels, in the teen years or a crazy thing, like, a childhood while she's young not like a Neverland when she's 30 kinda of childhood. All too soon, she'll be doing all the nos and more, so the gift I can give her now, is the precious time to be little. After all, if we as a society continue to give girls access to everything now, won't they simply keep wanting more and more adult things at earlier and earlier ages? 

It's with this in mind that, I rebel. I rebel against Disney, against what's cool and say: stay little, for just a little while longer for dear daughter, the answer maybe no now, but it won't be forever and it's always, always because I love you.